so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
