guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
