What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Randomize
