A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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