she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
