Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
