i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
