cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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