I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
