If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
