the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Text me some of your sweat
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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