she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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