I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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