I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
