and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
