I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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