My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
