Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
