You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
