I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
