she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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