The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize