morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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