I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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