If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
