Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
