she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Randomize
