were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize