4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
