I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
