***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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