while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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