my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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