Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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