Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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