it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just pee around me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
