You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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