I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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