Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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