I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Say something about gay babies.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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