Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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