drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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