Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
