Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
