WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
