Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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