Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
