I accidentally had phone sex last night
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
