If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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