hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
foreskin is a definite game changer
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
