my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
