I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
