Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
