So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
