Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
