More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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