I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize