My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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