your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
