if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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